Memories
by Saiph Nebula
Summary: Meryl/Johnny/Snake -kinda- . Meryl reflects on her first night as Mrs Sasaki...


Memories.

The sun had set long ago, leaving Meryl with the view of an endless expanse of black sky. There were no stars tonight, only the faint shimmer of the moon.

Dressed in nothing but shadows, Meryl moved from the open window to the bed she'd vacated hours ago. She'd been unable to sleep; tossing and turning for hours whilst trying not to wake the man sleeping at her side. She couldn't help glancing at him every few minutes, taking in the way his hair rested haggardly over his eyes as he slept. Her husband was lying with his face turned away from her, one hand stretched over his bare chest. In the darkness his features were very much like...

Meryl's lips turned into a thin line as she looked away. She knew where her restlessness came from and why she kept looking at him. Her feelings were not those of a giddy new bride enjoying her first night on her honeymoon... how could they be when she wasn't even thinking of her new husband?

Hanging her head in shame, Meryl ran her fingers over her arms. Almost ten years ago her skin had been marked with those ridiculous fake tattoos. She'd stopped using them when Snake had left her without so much as a goodbye. She'd been angry at first. Hurt, embarrassed and confused. But nine years was a long time to heal, to gain some perspective. Perhaps it was better this way, knowing that Snake was... that he would soon be...

She couldn't bring herself to even think the word. Even though she'd seen the man behind the legend, the best and the worst parts, she still idolised him. No, it was more then idolisation. It was still... love.

Perhaps that was why she couldn't feel guilty for picturing his face on her husband's, for imagining _his_ voice whispering her name. The memories of their time together were old, but Meryl had thought of them so much over the years that they were permanently ingrained in her mind. A comfort on those long nights with the Rat Patrol Team.

Did it make her a bad person? Surely love couldn't be bad.

She felt for Johnny too, of course. She just knew on instinct that it would never be the same.

Johnny adored her, had protected her in his own way over the years. Meryl hadn't been blind to his affections, not really. She'd simply shrugged them off as an infatuation he would soon get over.

It seemed funny, ironic even. Was that how Snake had felt about her? The rookie teen shuffling along at his heels like a puppy begging for treats. She didn't like to imagine the way he found may have found her annoying at first, then slowly endeared himself to her. A sliver of fear used to run through her when she tried to see things from his point of view. Meryl had only ever wanted to be noticed, if not loved. But to imagine the things he may have thought, the reasons for which he left...

She shook herself off. It had been almost a decade and yet he still possessed her entirely. It was pathetic, she knew. He'd barely look at her with more then recognition at first, then a kind of... paternal approval.

"_You're all... grown up"_

She'd ignored his comment, to fixated on his aged face and the fact that he'd replaced his stubbly chin with a moustache. She'd actually taken a moment to mourn his non-beard. A lot of her favourite memories included the feeling of his rough chin rubbing against her skin...

The sound of silence was heavy on her now. So long had she been surrounded by gunfire, explosions and the screams of injured and dying men and women. It made her edgy, made her jump when Johnny snorted loudly in his sleep and mumbled something about 'bad pie'.

Straightening herself on the beds edge, Meryl fidgeted with the simple wedding-band on her finger. In a week she and her husband would return back to base and continue their work as peace-keepers. Part of her was grateful for this, that she wouldn't be expected to settle down and play the housewife. The idea of children and a house with a white-picket fence had no effect on her at all. No dread or desire. Perhaps it would come, in time.

Meryl rolled onto her side, closed her eyes and gently nestled into Johnny's side, trying to pretend that the faint smell of gunpowder and sweat didn't belong to him. As she did so, the image of that sunlit house faded further and further away...

* * *

Disclaimer: No rights belong to me!


End file.
